November 20, 2008

We've just now recovered sufficiently from the sold-out Halloween show at the Sunset Tavern to run down the Top Ten Worst Songs of All Time for you poor souls who couldn't get tickets (don't say we didn't warn you!) or were too "refreshed" to remember what we played. Not that any of you fall into that category.

This year's list was a nice mix of crapola from four different decades, some old favorites, others making their first appearance in the DMQ Hall of Shame. Here's the rundown:

10. You're Beautiful by James Blunt (2005)

Sounds romantic at first blush, until you realize that he's singing about trying to steal someone else's girlfriend. Hey, some folks are more into that scene than others. One thing we can all agree on is that he's a morose little fella with a funny voice.

Fun fact: Blunt appeared on an episode of Sesame Street which aired in November of 2007, singing about triangles to the tune of "You're Beautiful". Quick, blokes, I need a rhyme for "isosceles!"

9. Barbie Girl by Aqua (1997)

The one and only American hit for the biggest Danish band of all time is a repeat Worst Songs offender and a real crowd favorite. Stefan made great use of Mack's little sister's Barbie and Ken dolls on this one. Okay, Mack claims they belong to his sister... .

8. Fame by Irene Cara (1980)

This Oscar-winner makes its second run at Worst Song and comes up seven spots short. Lots of folks helped out by yelling "Fame!" at the appropriate moment at the Halloween show. We couldn't have done it without you.

7. Seasons in the Sun by Terry Jacks (1974)

It warms our hearts to know that classically bad songs like this haven't been forgotten. Once recorded by the Beach Boys but never released, Jacks made it a huge international hit.

Question: Why do songs about death always have to be so depressing?

6. We Built This City by Jefferson Starship (#1 song of 1985)

Blender magazine named this the worst song of all time, and who are we to argue? Did you know that Bernie Taupin wrote this? And that it took three other guys to help him? Grace Slick recently called it "the stupidest song ever written." We're pretty sure she still cashed the checks.

5. My Heart Will Go On by Celine Dion (1997)

From "Titanic." Made zillions worldwide. Yadda. Yadda. The only single by a female solo artist to sell more was Whitney's "I Will Always Love You," which coincidentally may be the only single by a female solo artist that sucks more than this one.

The New York Times review of the DMQ Halloween show raved that "Mr. Corvin's mournful pennywhistle solo, wafting over the burbling ocean sounds emanating from Mr. Grout's keyboards, provided an emotional depth to DMQ's version of the song that's woefully lacking in the original." We couldn't agree more.

4. Big Balls by AC/DC (1976)

Wipe that smirk off your face, it's about fancy parties. Stoned fourteen-year-olds found this stuff pretty funny back in the day, and apparently a lot of you still do.

3. Hold the Line by Toto (1978)

A gem from the golden age of soulless corporate pop, Toto's first hit was all over the FM dial exactly thirty years ago.

2. Can't Get Enough of Your Love, Babe by Barry White (1974)

Barry White kept the "Babe" at the end of the title. Taylor Dayne dropped it for her 1993 re-make. God really is in the details.

This is actually a great song, made even better by the stellar performance on Halloween by love god Steve Okimoto in a gold lamé jacket. Take a number, ladies.

1. Physical by Olivia Newton John (1981)

Olivia's paen to sweatin' it up at the gym makes yet another appearance on our list, and this time it goes for the gold. So all of you who voted for it can give the song a nice cool-down next year by voting for something else. Anything else. Please, we're begging you, vote for something else.

XXXOOO,

Dudley